I Am Done With My Graceless Heart

In a relationship, or semi-relationship, it is truly hard to state that you have no hold nor dominion over your partner. I’ll make this short.

There are expectations, both written and unwritten, both discussed and non-discussed. Others are very obvious for even a dialogue, yet those tiny things usually cause scratches, that, when inspected at a nitty-gritty level, causes flames, burns, and even death.

Commitments bring about prospects. Expectations. Obligations that you both should stay loyal and true, that there should be, as much as possible, no secrets unshared between you two. There should be trust, the purest of which, untarnished, and unquestioned. There will be expectations – I am saying this for the Nth time, as these bring about hopes and false hopes, dreams, and nightmares.

These are loads either wanted or not. Nonetheless, these bring about the best in one, once accomplished, and the worst on the other, if failed. Thus, expectations bring forth possibilities of weakness and ruin and decay – ergo, if in a relationship, expectations would either be turned down or removed, it increases the viability of the partnership to last, or to further develop. Just my thoughts. I may be mistaken. Some are just poor performers, so I have these to say.

Some, however, opt to stay as partners, without expectations, but with a confident agreement that they shall be exclusive – in so many ways. Yet, time and again, this claim strikes untrue. One could never say that one will not expect. That one does not hope. That one does not desire reciprocity and permanency.

It is doable but it may be tragic.

Though, without expectations, a partner could not rant nor accuse, nor demand. The saying, Seize The Day(s) holds true – with every moment enjoyed and each conflict averted. It will be as if the fun will never – ever – stop. Hence, in the event that one decides to forgo another, the other has no right, by all means, to complain. An explanation may be given, a discussion may be made, but in an expectation-free relationship, in an open relationship, anything could happen. Anything could progress. Or anything could dissolve.

And I am done with my graceless heart. Tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart.  

I have loved. I have expected. And countlessly, I have failed. And they have failed me.

I still hold in my heart the precious, perky, perfect, picturesque, pretty moments I once had, but those are just memories, memories to be replaced, to be overwritten…

A man I knew once said that expectations are weaknesses, it is the termite colony which gnaw on your relationship’s walls.

As a fool, I repeatedly blamed myself, tamed myself, restricted myself from voicing my feelings, from giving word to my thought. I never was listened to, when time and again, I expected to be heard. That's the thing. Perhaps I expected too much. 

Then it just happened. One day, I woke up, and I realized… I’ve been quite an idiot for so long. It has to stop. I have been weak with expectations, for so long. And it has to stop. I have had enough failures, I have received enough scars, I have endured, for so long. And it has to stop.

It is hard to un-love. It is hard to dislike someone so easily. I will cower. I will cry. I will suffer. It is always darkest before the dawn, they say. And when the dawn comes, I shall be wearing a stronger, better mask.

For now, I am but a faceless soul, ashamed, weak, dependent, and even afraid.

When dawn comes, I will be another woman.

And I will be happier, with, or without you.